Doctor: You are underweight.
My Brain: I knew it! Michelle’s been telling me to exercise for nothing! I’m sexy and I know it! Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle!
Doctor: *looks at me* Wait, how tall are you?
Me: *Brought out of my sexy dance routine daydream.* Huh? Oh, 5’7″.
Doctor: The nurse wrote down you’re 6’6″. Still, I wouldn’t say you’re overweight though…well…maybe five pounds.
I knew I shouldn’t have worn my steel toed work shoes to the doctor’s office!
I have been dieting and exercising in the past three months in a competition with my coworkers to lose the highest percentage of weight. I’m not some calorie counter that has been counting every grain of rice. Weekends have been for me to eat whatever I want, including all-I-did-eat Korean BBQ. I checked my weight and I’m down twelve pounds! Hell yeah! That’s impressive for me especially since I’ve put on some muscle too. Who knew that my chest was screwed on upside down this whole time? The final weigh in is tomorrow. I’m not sure if I’m going to win, but I feel pretty good about my efforts and results so far.
Still it wouldn’t hurt to pad the results. Is anyone a doctor that wants to draw a few pints of blood from me tonight? I’ll split the winnings with you.
I’m not by any means fat, but if you had to judge just based on my face you might think otherwise. I’ve just inherited my father’s lack of a jaw line so any weight shows very easily in my face. Every time I show up somewhere in my work clothes, someone always asks me if I’ve lost weight. That’s because my work pants I actually wear on my waist, and I tuck in my shirt. Perhaps it’s time for a wardrobe change, or maybe a jaw implant.
Think Jay Leno is willing to loan me some of his? Although I’d just be afraid he’d take it back after a few months.
My trip to Michigan was tiring as hell, but you already knew that. Even though I was tired there was something that put a smile on my face. One of the employees at the factory, who is in charge of a lot of the hospitality of incoming groups saw me and immediately said, “Did you lose weight?” Like a real man that never steps on a scale, I have no idea. I said, “No, I think it’s all still there.” She still had a look of disbelief as if I had dropped twenty pounds.
I know no one in my office notices. Maybe they’re not noticing it, because we see me regularly. They can’t see the slow metamorphosis I am undergoing. I will eventually be a modern day Greek god, you know one of those statues with big muscles and equally big undercarriages.