Tag Archives: time travel

Sorry for All the Maggie Photos

In case you haven’t noticed, I have a baby girl. Perhaps you’ve seen her in the 400+ Instagram photos. (You may also notice I like beer.)

It’s a bit weird. I insisted when Maggie was first born that I didn’t want to be one of those parents that crams his kid down people’s throats, and yet I obviously have become just that. For myself, I never thought about what it would be like to have a child. I thought it would be interesting as part of a life experience, but I didn’t think I would find myself so overcome with excitement that I would post so many photos of Maggie. I find myself saying, “I love this baby,” even when just looking at photos of her.

Everyone thinks their baby is the cutest thing out there, which explains my obsession. What I couldn’t understand is why everyone else seems to also be enamored with Maggie. Then I discovered something crazy.


Go ahead and take a moment to see the full size image and soak all this information in before I continue. It’s crazy, huh? This is the reason so many of you are fascinated with Maggie. Without realizing it, you discovered what I just learned. Maggie is TIME TRAVELLING MICHELLE! (Try not to linger too long on the father-daughter/husband-wife implications. That just gets weird.) ¬†She was sent back to the past, probably to save us from some robot uprising. Maggie is John Connor!

The next time you’re in a bar and you see us, buy Michelle a drink. She saved humanity from the terminators. Heck, buy Maggie a drink too. Don’t question why we have a baby in a bar.

Report Cards vs. Quarterly Reviews

I was watching television the other day, and I saw a word pop up on the screen. Scantron. I stared at the screen. I know that word! Where do I know that word from? Is it some sort of tech firm that I read about in the news? After the commercial had long gone from the screen, I still sat there wondering.

Five minutes later, mouth still hanging open in stupidity, I realized. Scantron is that test format, where you fill out the bubbles with a #2 pencil. That just shows how long I have been out of school.

I miss school. While it often times seems pointless, that’s also the best part. There are no responsibilities. You don’t have to worry about anything but making new friends and seeing how much punishment your liver can take. Although it was fun, I remember thinking how hard it was to show up to class and take tests.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and slap my whiney ass up side the head. Then I’d warn myself of the grim future, and advise myself to stay in school as long as possible. Also, I’d have to make sure I took a job at the time machine factory.

Black to the Future

My mom was so proud of her flux capacitor watermelon that she made me take a picture of it. It’s a good thing we paid by the pound. This damn thing is half hollow.