Tag Archives: parenting

Spilled Milk. Didn’t Cry.

Here’s another lesson that will go into my book.

This morning I spilled a whole bottle of milk onto myself and the baby. I think the bottle wasn’t screwed on all the way. I didn’t even realize I had done it until I looked down after only half a minute and thought, “Holy crap! She shotgunned the whole thing!” I told Michelle and she let out an exasperated sigh as if to tell me, “Stop wasting my milk!”

The good: The baby didn’t cry while I made up another bottle. She just sucked the milk out of her clothes and my clothes until I had another bottle ready. What a little piggy.

The bad: I think the baby thinks I have milk now. She keeps looking at me out of the corner of her eye while Michelle is feeding her as if to say, “You’re next.”

Sleeping:
Although it seems ridiculously obvious, rest as much as possible. It’s hardest to sleep when the sun is up, because you’re so used to being up and about during the day. Having some time to unwind is nice, but it’s more important you’re on top of your game when the baby needs you. Use at least one of her sleep periods during the day to get some rest or you will be running on zombie mode and make dumb mistakes like me.

Matt’s Big Book of Baby Crap

So the book title is a work in progress. In my very short experience (less than two weeks) as a father, there have been a lot of questions. Most of the questions are mine, asked to medical professionals and other parents while freaking out over how not to permanently damage my child. There is a lot to learn about parenting, but the amount of knowledge needed is overwhelming, and even if you learn a lot, someone will always disagree with you and say there’s a different and better way. I’ve decided to take these things I’ve learned and share them with the world in bite-sized chunks based on my experiences and what other people have taught me. Just remember one key thing when reading my advice.

Parents’ opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and no one thinks theirs stinks.

Clothing:
Kids grow super fast so don’t buy a lot of clothes in newborn size and definitely don’t buy winter newborn clothes if you’re expecting your child in the summer or vice versa.

Diaper changing is a constant task. Having to wrestle a onesie off in the middle of the night is a pain in the butt. Clothes with buttons from top to bottom are so much easier to get kids in and out of for diaper time.

That’s it for this time! Stay tuned for more!

Why is diaper technology so archaic?

Lately I’ve been getting horror stories about diapers leaking or poop explosions. Why aren’t we using technology to make baby waste removal easier? It’s ridiculous to think that the best way to see if my baby has soiled her diaper is to take a big whiff of her bottom.

I started looking into it. The technology already exists! It just needs to be reapplied.

This is the Koubachi Wi-Fi Plant Sensor. It’s a probe that is tied to your wireless network and can be read via browser or iPhone. It checks your plants for sunlight, temperature, moisture, and fertilizer. If we can monitor these things, it’s just a matter of reversing the reporting. We can get the sensor to tell us when the diaper has been watered or fertilized. Temperature is another double check for a soiled diaper. If the light sensor goes off, it means your baby has torn off the diaper and is running around naked. Sure we’d have to reengineer the design to make it less like an anal probe, but isn’t this more important than monitoring plants?

I’m also currently thinking up ways to handle the removal of waste. It involves a shop vac modification and a giant garbage bag. Once you suck away the poop, you can take the shop vac outside, put it in reverse, and you’ll have a lush garden blooming in no time.

I just need an engineer and programmer, and then it’s time to hit up Kickstarter for some funding. Who wants in on this project?