Sometimes Michelle talks nonsense. I let her go off on her tangents and nod my head with a blank stare. Today, I’m not sure what started her off, but I decided to respond.
Michelle: Do you think we should adopt a Chinese baby?
Me: No, I don’t want a chinese baby. Maybe we can make a blonde one?
It could be a recessive gene, right?
I think my fuel tank is sixteen gallons. Yesterday I filled up my car at the gas station, and the meter read 15.999 gallons. It made me really happy, like I came out on top for knowing exactly how far I could drive before filling up. Or like the time I prepaid for my tank of gas in a rental car and used every single last drop. It’s these little things in life that make you feel like sometimes you’re winning at life. We need these things to keep us going.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hide some twenty dollar bills in my winter clothes. Once the weather gets cold, I’m going to be a big winner.
I have been dieting and exercising in the past three months in a competition with my coworkers to lose the highest percentage of weight. I’m not some calorie counter that has been counting every grain of rice. Weekends have been for me to eat whatever I want, including all-I-did-eat Korean BBQ. I checked my weight and I’m down twelve pounds! Hell yeah! That’s impressive for me especially since I’ve put on some muscle too. Who knew that my chest was screwed on upside down this whole time? The final weigh in is tomorrow. I’m not sure if I’m going to win, but I feel pretty good about my efforts and results so far.
Still it wouldn’t hurt to pad the results. Is anyone a doctor that wants to draw a few pints of blood from me tonight? I’ll split the winnings with you.
It was about two years ago that I switched from regular Coke to Diet Coke. Now I’ve given up soda completely. There’s no particular reason for it other than thinking it’s probably healthier to drunk water. I can honestly say I don’t miss it.
What other vices can I give up? No, beer is not an option. Beer is the nectar of the gods and makes me irresistible and charming to the whole world.
“You shouldn’t be wearing makeup. Makeup is for the ugly girls to even the playing field.”
“If the barn needs painting, you paint it. Just don’t build the barn out of paint.”
Four years ago Saint Patrick’s Day fell on a Friday. By around noon it became clear to me that my friends in Los Angeles weren’t coming with plans to celebrate. So I booked a ticket for San Francisco and left with the clothes on my back. It was a drunken, dirtbag filthy weekend. I had a blast.
I wish the Chinese had holidays celebrated by drinking. Then I could be in tune with my culture instead of the guy who is looking to use other people’s cultures to binge drink. Until then I’m Irish today and Mexican on the 5th of May.
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I was running around on Sunday well aware of the time change. My laptop changed automatically as did my phone. When I came home I changed all the clocks…except my alarm clock. I always look at my laptop for work messages from my east coast associates to get a jump start on the day. Unfortunately I offset the time on my alarm clock by half an hour and only look at the minutes when I wake up so I didn’t notice my error. Now I’m riding into work going to be about forty minutes late.
I fear the ridicule waiting for me.
The Olympics makes it quite evident where people’s cultural identities lie. I have friends rooting for China and Korea, but it confuses me. They’re Americans! Why aren’t they cheering for America?
Growing up I never wanted to cheer for anyone other than Team USA. When I would ride bikes and race around with my brother and friends, we were always Team USA, and whoever lagged behind we called Team China.
So what’s the deal here? What’s the attachment? It’s not like any of these countries have strong historical and cultural ties to figure skating or cross country skiing.
Am I wrong to think this way? Why does it seem that everyone who is assimilated well into the American way of life passed off as “someone who lost his own cultural identity?” Why can’t I just be an American?
I’m not by any means fat, but if you had to judge just based on my face you might think otherwise. I’ve just inherited my father’s lack of a jaw line so any weight shows very easily in my face. Every time I show up somewhere in my work clothes, someone always asks me if I’ve lost weight. That’s because my work pants I actually wear on my waist, and I tuck in my shirt. Perhaps it’s time for a wardrobe change, or maybe a jaw implant.
Think Jay Leno is willing to loan me some of his? Although I’d just be afraid he’d take it back after a few months.
Back in World History in high school one of the projects we had to do was a Model United Nations conference. We chose countries at random and had to discuss different world issues using the point of view of our selected country. I got Canada for my country. My partner and I had no idea where to begin with our policies and agendas. This was before the days of Internet.
Countries like Iraq were easy. Just hold up a calculator and threaten to press the button to launch a missile. So we did what any students would do in our situation. We just decided not to say much, and when we were required to speak, just agree with everything America said or did. It worked like a charm.
Hello, there. My name is Matt, but on this website I just refer to myself as m@. I love all things Star Wars, food, beer, and music, especially The Beatles. I'm one who likes to be noticed and will sometimes say or do inappropriate things to get your attention. I'm perfectly complimented by my online and real life partner Michelle.