Category Archives: Sports

See You Later, USA

Well, it’s after midnight, and we’re not prepared for our trip to Taiwan that we have to leave for at 6:00 AM. I am at Michelle’s place right now, watching her pack while talking to herself. She’s delirious from a lack of sleep. After she pulls herself together and gets everything packed, I still have to head home and finish packing myself. It’s going to be a rough travel day tomorrow, but hopefully this lack of sleep will allow us to be right on Taiwan’s time.

I’m sad that I’m going to miss half of March Madness. I seriously don’t know what my brother was thinking, scheduling his wedding during NBA All Star weekend and this Taiwan trip during March Madness. It should be fine though. The Bruins will still be in it when I return. I know they won’t let me down, especially if they decide to deploy a defensive strategy such as this.

I should have access to the Internet to check work emails and check up on March Madness, but in case I have any difficulties getting online, I’ll leave you with a couple of things to keep yourselves occupied. First, here is a website dedicated to Photoshop mishaps in publications and advertisements, often starring famous people. Secondly, here is a video with a cynical look at marriage. Until I return, keep a watchful eye out on the Internet. See you online from the other side of the world.

False. Bruins.

Jim as Dwight: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question.
Jim as Dwight: False. Black Bear.
Dwight: Well that’s debatable, there are basically two schools of thought..
Jim as Dwight: Fact: Bears eat beets.
Dwight: Oh..
Jim as Dwight: Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica!

Fake Dwight is wrong. UCLA Bruins are best. Did anyone else catch the game last night? Against Stanford’s twin towers, the Lopez brothers, UCLA came back from an 11-point deficit with five minutes left in the regular game to triumph in an overtime victory to grab the PAC-10 title. While UCLA is good enough to not have to come back from behind, it shows great discipline for young men to be able to keep pushing even when things look down. That is good coaching.

Pain Worse Than Child Birth?

Girls never understand how painful it is to get hit in the crotch. To give you an example of how bad the pain is, if you asked a guy whether he would rather get hit in the face or the crotch with a baseball thrown from thirty feet away, most guys would answer the face is the better option.

The sensation of pain is so sharp and intense, and it does not stay located in the region of the crotch. Standing is impossible after a solid hit. Your limbs go numb and your body just collapses under its own weight. Your lungs tighten up and breathing becomes very difficult as your heart rate skyrockets. Your stomach cramps up as if you’ve just done hundreds of situps. I haven’t figured out the reason for this part, but your mouth goes completely dry too, like waking up from a morning of heavy drinking. Tears streaming down the face and vomiting often accompany harder hits to the crotch.

Fortunately, for the sake of the science of sports, some idiot decided to take a hit from a tennis ball in his special area for everyone to see. They get scientific with the explanation, but in the end the host just laughs at the dude.

I understand that part of the reason no sympathy is given is because guys laugh at each other when it happens. I recall playing a game of Cranium, and my roommate got mad at me for my poor performance. He took the ball of clay that came with the game and hurled it at my crotch, while sitting right next to me. I just tipped over on my side and tears began pouring out of my eyes. The whole time both my roommate and I were laughing. The girls stared at us, quite confused.

Just because the two of user were laughing doesn’t mean it hurts any less. We just know the pain isn’t normally going to result in death or the loss of a testicle. We laugh because we understand. Ladies, cut us a break. It does truly hurt. We don’t fake it. So do us a favor and keep the blows to the crotch to the good kind.

Watching Sports with Women

Yesterday I watched the Super Bowl with Michelle. She did very well, only saying once that it was boring, before the game really got exciting in the last quarter. One of my favorite things to do with people that don’t know the rules of the game is to explain the rules incorrectly with made up terms. Michelle did not ask many questions though, except for the one about the quarterback’s wristband.

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I told her that all quarterbacks are cyborgs with computers implanted into their arms. She wasn’t buying it, but she said, “That would be really cool if that were true!” *Boop Boop Boop*

Although unrelated, I ran across this other image while I was searching for the above image.

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UCLA is China Man Friendly

Well, we have Norm Chow working as our offensive coordinator. This might be a slap in the face for USC, but it’s not for Pete Carroll. The two never got along really. So how did UCLA pick up Norm Chow?

He was recently fired from his job with the NFL team, the Tennessee Titans. He wasn’t NFL material, but he has a proven track record for college football. That makes him a good candidate for UCLA’s restructured football program. On top of that, Norm Chow still has a 2-year contract, worth more than 1 million dollars a season. Whatever the difference is between what Chow is owed on the contract and  UCLA pays, the Titan franchise still has to pay. UCLA can pay Chow next to nothing for two years and have him on board. Thanks, Titans!

WWW…what?

UCLA has fired coaches that don’t meet up to its historical athletic excellence. In recent years with the help of the Internet, UCLA fans have expressed their desire to get rid of coaches with poor performance records. Domains like loselavin.com, firetoledo.com, and firedorrell.com have been used to oust these coaches. UCLA’s newest football coach, Rick Neuheisel, will be much harder to get rid of in this same manner. No one is going to know how to spell his name. Can you imagine trying to type www.fireneuheisel.com into a browser? I just hope he is a sorely needed gem of a coach, but I don’t want to have to find that website. Go Bruins!

Another Fun Packed Weekend

I don’t know when the last time I had a weekend to do nothing. I always say that I’m going to do nothing but end up doing lots of fun stuff. This weekend was no exception. Be sure to read the whole post for all the pictures and video highlights.

It started out Friday night with a trip down to Cal State Long Beach’s Pyramid to watch Michelle’s cousin Ashley play volleyball. She is on the women’s volleyball team, and her birthday is this week, so the whole family went to watch her play. They wiped the floor with Cal State Bakersfield, which was just what I wanted to see, because afterwards we got to go eat pizza. I haven’t has a victory pizza party in so long. Perhaps that is because I haven’t won anything in a long time.

CSULB is on the right side. Ashley is the one with the long pony tail and all the energy.

During the break between the second and third game, the band played this song.

Saturday was spent putting a dresser from IKEA together for Michelle. Those Swedes sure know how to give you almost all the parts you need to build furniture. After getting through everything, the last drawer won’t fit together. They tapped holes in the wrong part. Idiots!

We decided that it was time to use a gift card that one of my customers gave to me. It was at the always classy Chili’s. With only twenty five dollars on the card, I decided we should just use up the card and be done with it. I figured a couple of drinks each should cover it. Well we ended up have three drinks each and the bill only came to twenty seven bucks. I’m thinking about making Chili’s a regular watering hole for that price. The rest of the night was spent watching The Office on DVD until sleep overtook us.

Sunday was the day to hit up the MOCA to see the Takashi Murakami exhibit. Almost everyone has seen his work in pop culture, but it is really cool to see his works in person. There was one room full of strange, creepy toys that I labeled, “Youth of Japan’s Road to Sexual Deviancy.” Seriously, I don’t know where people draw the line between art as creative expression and just plain weird. I wish I could explain better what I saw, but cameras were not allowed, and these following pictures are most certainly not from my camera.

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After the exhibit, Michelle and I headed over to Santa Monica to check out Father’s Office, a trendy bar famous for its beer and burgers. My aunt lives a few blocks away from this place and is always picking up burgers to go from here. The burgers and fries are excellent, but Father’s Office needs to get over itself. They don’t even serve you ketchup, because it’s so commoner. Every red blooded American uses ketchup at least once in a while on burgers and fries. It’s a staple.

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On top of all the fun stuff I listed here, you can check out the world and outer world adventures we had this weekend on Michelle’s website. It looks like I can rest when I die. Here’s to another jam packed weekend, followed by grueling week at work.

Good Time for College Sports, Indifferent on Professional

It’s not over yet, but if Major League Baseball heads into a World Series with Colorado and Cleveland, no one is going to care. No one from the west coast is going to root for Colorado, and no one from the east coast is going to root for Cleveland.

In the NBA, the eastern conference has teams coming up as potential powerhouses, and Kobe is still complaining. No one cares.

College football is becoming as exciting as March Madness. There is no telling what team will come out on top. As soon as one team ends up in first place, it signifies their upcoming loss. It’s a roller coaster of excitement. Unfortunately, UCLA is not a part of this excitement. We haven’t been able to improve.

College basketball, on the other hand, is where I am excited for UCLA. Do you remember how we got beaten the past two years by Florida? They were able to dominate the paint, because they never had to guard Mbah a Moute. The prince of Cameroon  had no jump shot. That has changed. This summer, they worked on that, so watch out. Afflalo is gone, but Kevin Love is coming into the mix. Combined with Mata’s ugly mug, The Bruins should do a pretty good job of controlling the boards. With Collison, Shipp, Roll, and Mbah a Moute on the perimeter and with the ability to penetrate, UCLA should have plenty of options this year.

Everybody Hurts Sometimes. Everybody Cries

Today started off like any other day. I was running late to work but not caring. I was stopped at the stoplight on the offramp, blasting my radio and singing. As I turned to my left to see who was stopped next to me, I noticed it was a grown man with tears running down his face. His face wasn’t contorted in anguish, but he definitely had tear trails on his cheeks. I began pondering what could possess a man to cry on his drive to work.

The only thing I could come up with was that he was a USC fan. Those poor bastards. It’s beating a dead, Trojan horse, but I have been saying all along that you would have to be an idiot to wait for a chance to play behind so many great starters. Mark Sanchez was one of the more notable idiots in the coveted quarterback position, but Booty’s horrible game may just be his chance. Even Carroll noted, “We could have made a change but we went with our guy. I don’t know about next week.” You can defend Booty and the Trojans, saying he hurt his hand during the game, but the end result is what matters.

This year’s NCAA football season is shaping up to be more like basketball. Many of the ranked teams are recording losses on their stats. Although LSU is still top ranked and undefeated, my money is on Cal this year. Those guys always have a way of upsetting the big teams.

I wish UCLA’s football team would do something like they our basketball team, but the fact of the matter is that we need a new coach. UCLA will never be a championship team with Karl Dorrell. He is good enough to keep our program from backsliding, but he does not improve our program. Beating USC last year was great, but it’s not reason enough to keep this coach around. It’s time for him to go.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I called it. It’s currently happening to USC. They’re slowly losing their ability to recruit the best players. It is not because of a lack of a good football program. Simply put, they have more good players than they know what to do with on their team. The kids are finally realizing that when they sit behind half a dozen running backs, they are not going to get to play. They are slowly transferring to other school’s in spite of having to lose a year of eligibility.

This is not USC’s fault. They accept players not knowing who will decide to attend their school. It’s the players’ faults for being stupid. It doesn’t matter how good the program is if you don’t get to play.

This is going to be USC Football’s slow decline. Other kids are going to realize a little earlier than their less than brilliant predecessors that it’s not always best to attend a good athletics program that offers little chance to play. Don’t get me wrong here. USC still packs plenty of firepower in its lineup in a lot of positions, but a couple injuries or disappointing developments and you have yourself a team that is no longer so dominant. What I still can’t figure out is how USC is still managing to hang on to so many quarterbacks. Those are your true idiots.