Minutes before our wedding ceremony the pastor said to me, “You’re the most calm groom I’ve ever seen.”
I looked at him and without hesitation said, “When you’re beat, you’re beat.”
This was three years ago. Happy anniversary to the greatest wife and mom!
Me: Man, I can’t believe daycare went up in price over 100% when it changed ownership.
Michelle: Maybe we should apply for financial aid. Then we can stay.
Me: It’s income based. We don’t qualify.
Michelle: Too bad I can’t apply with just my salary. Man, why did we get married?
Me: I ask myself that question every day.
In case you haven’t noticed, I have a baby girl. Perhaps you’ve seen her in the 400+ Instagram photos. (You may also notice I like beer.)
It’s a bit weird. I insisted when Maggie was first born that I didn’t want to be one of those parents that crams his kid down people’s throats, and yet I obviously have become just that. For myself, I never thought about what it would be like to have a child. I thought it would be interesting as part of a life experience, but I didn’t think I would find myself so overcome with excitement that I would post so many photos of Maggie. I find myself saying, “I love this baby,” even when just looking at photos of her.
Everyone thinks their baby is the cutest thing out there, which explains my obsession. What I couldn’t understand is why everyone else seems to also be enamored with Maggie. Then I discovered something crazy.
Go ahead and take a moment to see the full size image and soak all this information in before I continue. It’s crazy, huh? This is the reason so many of you are fascinated with Maggie. Without realizing it, you discovered what I just learned. Maggie is TIME TRAVELLING MICHELLE! (Try not to linger too long on the father-daughter/husband-wife implications. That just gets weird.) She was sent back to the past, probably to save us from some robot uprising. Maggie is John Connor!
The next time you’re in a bar and you see us, buy Michelle a drink. She saved humanity from the terminators. Heck, buy Maggie a drink too. Don’t question why we have a baby in a bar.
Always make sure you have all your ingredients before you start the brewing process. If you don’t do the pre-brew check, you will find yourself without a key ingredient and have to send your pregnant wife to the brew store to pick up the missing items. Later you will have to take her shopping, resulting in the most expensive batch of beer you have ever made.
Today marks two years since I perfected my hypnotism technique and married Michelle. Things really haven’t changed in our house very much. We’re still the same as always.
Me: Happy anniversary!
Michelle: Happy anniversary!
Me: Were we supposed to get each other anything? I didn’t get you anything.
Michelle: Oh. I didn’t get you anything either.
Me: Oh, wait! I did get you something. I got you pregnant!
What can I say? I’m a giver.
At least I’m pretty sure the baby’s a girl. I know what I saw. For whatever reason, the doctor and the ultrasound technician will only say that’s what they think they saw. They won’t say definitively that it’s a girl. Regardless, we will be referring to our baby as she and her. If we are wrong, Michelle and I will have a great story to tell to our son when he has all his high school friends over. It’s this story all over again.
I was sitting around dreading how much money this baby is going to cost us and hoping there was a way for us to offset some of the costs. Then it hit me. Gambling! We could let people place bets on our baby’s gender. It’s no crazier than people betting on the coin toss in a Super Bowl.
With some help from my cousin, we came up with a way for people to place bets into a Google Docs spreadsheet with variable odds based on the betting field.
Unfortunately Michelle didn’t like the idea, so we had to scratch it. Looks like we’ll just have to subject the kid to doing commercials to pull in that extra income. Baby, it’s time you started pulling your own weight around the house.
Michelle had a special doctor’s appointment today with the high resolution ultrasound. We’re not at eighteen weeks just yet, but we thought we might be able to determine the gender.
Our baby looks healthy and was moving the arms and kicking the legs like crazy. The baby either really loves the vegetable juice Michelle drank before the appointment or really hates it. Unfortunately the gender results were inconclusive. The ultrasound technician didn’t want to give a firm answer of her guess. As far as we know, it’s a girl…or he takes after his father. Heyo!
Michelle was a little bit disappointed not to be able to determine the gender. She was really hoping to see genitalia today. I told her the day’s not over yet. Double heyo!
Our baby is waving hello!
If the video wasn’t self explanatory, I was not hiding in some random woman’s ultrasound appointment. I’m going to be a dad! Michelle is going to be a mom! A young Padawan is on the way!
We were already a week into our trip, and weren’t in a rush to try and see anything in particular. Plus our feet were refusing to work. We decided to just check out a couple neighborhoods to see what was going on there, but first we had to get lunch.
Bomb dot com.
The shit dot net.
Asakusa is known for the Senso-Ji, an old Buddhist temple. What’s going on around the temple is anything but a religious experience. Vendors sell snacks and souvenirs on the blocks surrounding the temple. It’s like a flea market.
This woman was making a killing in front of the temple, grilling up meats and seafood.
We opted for the octopus.
Afterward we headed to Ueno. Next to the railway there is a maze of streets for shopping. Clothes, shoes, luggage…just about anything you could want is available for sale.
Ueno Park had its cherry blossoms coming into bloom like the rest of Tokyo.
“The cherry blossoms are but a fraction of your beauty.” BONUS POINTS!