Year of the Crappy Animal

Chinese New Year is coming up sometime soon I think. Can someone explain the Chinese zodiac to me? There are twelve animal signs, and you are assigned an animal based on your birth year. People born under the animal sign are supposed to have a certain personality type. That means everybody born the same year as me is going to have the same personality? The Chinese were able to build The Great Wall and yet this is the best they could come up with to explain personality traits? On top of that, look at the animals they chose.

monky.jpgLet’s start with the monkey, since this is the sign I am born under. Great choice here, China. Picking an animal that throws its own poo at people is a classy way to go. You may try to argue that these animals are smart beings, but monkeys also happen to drink their own urine and have horrible smelling rear ends. Assuming equal birth rates from year to year, one out of every twelve people is represented by this magnificent creature whose daily habits are closely tied to its bodily waste.


Here you have your choice of being a cock, a pig, a rat, a retarded looking dog, a cow, or a goat, a snake, a horse, or a rabbit that is drawn in a horribly racist fashion.


The lucky ones get to be dragons or tigers, cool animals that can tear your innards open with one swipe of a claw, although both of these guys are drawn with a slightly autistic look to them.

I know these ideologies were formed long before the Communist Party took over China and censored everything liked a big public relations firm, but surely someone had to stop and think for a second, “This is going to make us look stupid to the rest of the world.”

Still, it’s better than being Japanese. They pee on people.